You might be wondering, “Is a breakfast of warm lemon water right for me? Can I at least have a small apple or something with a little fiber in it? Dang.”
Warm Lemon Water TM is definitely the breakfast for you. I promise. If you don’t believe me, believe this list of 20 things that will absolutely start happening for you immediately after you take that first sip.
1) Your skin will start glowing. Like, probably neon yellow, but maybe green if you used that half a lime leftover from Margarita Monday “in a pinch.”
2) Your bikini line will start to fall out, eliminating the need for you to pay to have it waxed.
3) Your nails will get stronger and longer. Hard as nails.
4) You will pee out your toxins. Eventually! Might want to have a cup of herbal tea as well, to speed things along.
5) You will find a crumpled paper bag full of fat stacks of cash in the gutter on your way to work.
6) Your hair will feel healthier and look shinier.
7) Your long-term cough will improve and your lungs will feel cleaned out. Go ahead, have that cigarette!
8) You will crave simple syrup and maybe a little gin & a couple of ice cubes. Maybe a little sparkling water. You know, like a spritzer. A lemony-gin spritzer.
9) Your ex from junior year of undergrad will call you up & tell you it’s been over a year since their divorce & all they can think about is that time on the rooftop with you.
10) Your roommate will offer you a grilled cheese sandwich.
11) Your eyes will get brighter & happier!
12) Your mom will send you a letter apologizing for all the ways she messed up in raising you & invite you on a cruise to start mending your relationship.
13) Your bowel movements will become more regular.
14) Your boss will call you into his office to cry about how the CEO is firing him & giving you his job.
15) You will lose exactly 17 pounds.
16) Your laugh lines will simply . . . soften.
17) You’ll run into FKA Twigs and Robert Pattinson at the Whole Foods on Grand and they’ll ask you if there are any good parties tonight they should know about.
18) You will become lactose tolerant.
19) You will shed that unsightly hammertoe!
20) A stranger will buy you a beer & ask nothing in return.
So go ahead! What are you waiting for? Have that lemon water and start turning your whole life around.